Doubt.

The last time I wrote, it was short. I had actually wanted to write about my trip to Villa De Leyva, which we went to the previous Monday. Instead, all Friday, Saturday,and Sunday (when I had the energy), I worked on several bins that I had stashed in our bedroom and closet. These items had collected over a period of months, things that had homes in the house, but I never made it to their proper place because I felt so nauseous or had migraines. I terribly dislike this pattern that I do...I see a cluttered room, pick up the items, but then something happens that prevents me from putting the stuff away...so I toss it in a box. Then other things are piled on top...mostly by me since my husband is hardly ever here. It's not that I like this process, it's just something that happens when I am not feeling well or feel that I don't have time to finish the entire process.

My husband, J, says that the stuff is mine. Perhaps. Sometimes it's not. It's stuff that collects around the house as other individuals are using it and it's not put back in it's home. Like nail clippers. And screw drivers. This isn't something that I can really toss since we need these items. But there are things that are specifically mine that add to the clutter of the house that I need to just toss. Although I can't recall exact times, I did grow up in a house where my parents were very frugal and nothing was wasted because they were working very hard to become middle class. We used everything. We saved everything because there might be a use for it.

This idea is great except when it becomes too much. Instead of writing about my wonderful trip to Villa De Leyva, I spent 3 days going through several bins, sorting stuff, and putting away items. There were items for the animals that live with us, items for my children, items for the office...name a room and there was something from each room in those bins.

Now, about doubt. Last week, when my friend (you know who you are) didn't come to my going-away party (leaving Bogota, but not this blog), I had doubts about the 10 small boxes that I set aside for her. Inside were all those little toys that I had separated for the poor children in Colombia. When she didn't show, there was a moment of doubt that I should give them away. There was a little voice that said...

"...you could keep them and in a year, let your child open one as a 'present' to keep her from being bored. You know, something new."

That little voice of doubt was persistent. All week that voice kept nagging at me. I tried not to listen, but it was hard. Habits are hard to kill.

Then Saturday night, when I was so tired from pushing my pregnant self to finish, I remembered that I hate the life of organizing, shuffling things around over and over again while the rest of the family could care less how much time I spend on trying to keep the house clean and organized.

I waste my life moving stuff around. It's like when I worked in an office. I wasted my life moving papers around. File this. Pull it out, photo copy it, file it here. Boring dribble of a life. Now I do it at home as well.

That little voice of doubt was quickly squashed on Sunday morning when I woke up to face another room littered with stuff. My youngest daughter had played a lot the night before and her room showed it. Again, I put things away. Fortunately, it was much easier since it wasn't little pieces everywhere.

Even though I wasn't able to finish my daily tasks on account of being so tired from working with the bins, I felt that I had at least accomplished something. Those 10 boxes are going. Doubt was gone. Life is not about things that we own. Life is about experiences (and hopefully good ones!). I'm not a very religious person, but I end with a few thoughts....

"What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal." -Albert Pine

2 Corinthians 9.7 Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.


Maybe if I didn't have so many little things, I wouldn't pile those little things into bins when I'm not feeling well or am tired.