Arrived in San Diego-organized chaos

It's a good thing that my husband doesn't read my blog or he would flip out. I saw my sister.

I know, I know. What am I thinking, right? I am playing with fire. I'm crazy doing this. Really?

Truthfully, it's different this time. I am in a different place. This is a different niche in time than before. I have changed. F has changed. It's almost like I have stepped through a portal and am visiting a different earth with the same characters who are the same in many aspects, but who have different personalities. I don't feel clingy. I don't feel like I have to make our relationship close. I don't feel like I have to rush in and try to help. I just am and so is she.

I have been here for 5 days and have seen my sister...at the restaurant, at my parents apartment, at her house, and even spent an afternoon with her as she took me to the park & to pick up her oldest daughter. So it's been nearly every day that I have seen her, but just for a little bit. And it's not been awkward or stressed. Maybe it's partially because I am not my usual crazy hyper self that wants to do and talk. Instead, like a quiet non- brain eating zombie, I sort of just hang out. Breathe the same oxygen. This might be a nice change for F. Who knows, but whatever it is, it's different. Maybe she feels less pressure this time to be pushing me into her life and hectic schedule because I don't have as much energy. Nevertheless, it is a nice change.

The same went for when I went to see my sister-in-law, P, in Houston. Did we grow up? There weren't any awkward questions asked, any uncomfortable conversation that I didn't have to try and figure out how to answer. I was not bouncing around like a bee and maybe this relaxed P. I wasn't right there involved in her personal space as I was often sleeping so maybe that created a stress-free environment for her. Whatever the reasons, it was different this time and such a nice change, too.

So between the two women, the two female family members in my life, I have found a new and comfortable spot. Where there was once chaos there is now a zen like calmness. It's an organized space in time. I exist. You exist. Let's just be. That's easy and I really like it. No more do we have to struggle to prove ourselves. Let's just share the same space peacefully and chill.